Important Negotiation Questions

Do you have any medical conditions We should know about? (Asthma: good to keep the medicine nearby; knee conditions: not good to tie the bottom for long periods standing up; jaw dislocations: no face-slapping or only with extra care; problems with nerves in wrists: extra care/support in binding wrists, or maybe no wrist bondage at all; STDs: extra safe-sex precautions; etc.)   Do you have any particular places where you should not be hit or flogged: any particular areas on you that are extra-sensitive, bad pain, or unhealed injuries?   Do you have any piercings I should be aware of? Are they healed?   We usually don't ask this unless it becomes necessary to clean up a spot of broken skin, but if you were doing a cutting or piercing you would certainly ask it in advance: Do you have any allergies to iodine (because many antibiotics like Betadine have iodine)?   Do you have any emotional reactions or conditions that We should know about, including a history of incest, rape, or abuse, flashbacks to traumatic episodes, multiple personalities, or manic depression? Do you have any emotional reactions to being hit with hands, belts, hairbrushes, or other items possibly associated with punishment, with any traumatic experience, or with anything else that is not someplace you want to be remembering or reacting to in scene?   What do you use as a safeword? What do the safewords you use mean to you? (Especially "yellow" has variable meanings to different people) Do you use any words like "No" or "Stop" to mean "Please do go on"? Have you ever had an experience of losing your ability to safeword in a situation that was not good for you?   Is there anything you would like to tell Us that is specifically off limits? And, because tops have limits, too: if We think someone is desperately expecting or hoping for Us to do something that We will not do for whatever reason, be it in general or with that person or at that time, We try to clear that up before the scene.   Are marks (black-and-blue marks, hickies, etc.) ok? Do marks need to be below clothing lines?   Is sexual touching ok? What safe sex considerations are we to take into account? (In many BDSM dungeons/communities, condoms are assumed not only for vaginal and anal penetration, but also for oral sex. In some communities, latex gloves are used for any sexual touching where fluids are involved, and certainly if there are breaks in the top's finger skin they are common. It is a good idea to ask rather than assume because customs vary.)   What exposures to STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) does each partner represent? What constitutes sexual touching for you: breasts, nipples? external touching of the genitals or anus? penetration? Is being naked ok?   Do you have any negative emotional reactions to particular toys or activities that you know of? (If We are thinking of exploring some particular thing We know to occasionally upset people, We usually name it here. Examples of things people occasionally react negatively to include: knives, needles, ass-play, tickling, blindfolds, single-tail whips.... If We forget to ask about something like this but then want to use it in scene, We often let the bottom catch sight of it in scene before using it in case it is not ok with the bottom.) How do you feel about exploring controversial activities such as breath control or being beaten about the breasts?   And Our favorite questions, which really are the ones We ask first, since unless there is a match here we never get as far as questions 1-7: What kinds of feelings and activities do you actively enjoy in scene? Do you enjoy pain, service, bondage, spanking, punishment, humiliation, fear or terror, resistance or overpowerment, fighting back, mindfucks, verbal abuse, particular kinds of role-play imagery like interrogations, being at school, age play, etc.? Is physical play part of a power exchange experience for you, or is it a sensual experience between equals with no exchange of power? What kind of experiences are exciting or hot in your fantasy life or in play for you? Is play typically a sexual experience for you or is it something else?  Also important to clear up are:   Questions about both partners' experience levels, the kinds of play they have done before, and discussion of the risks involved with playing in whatever ways might come up. Negotiations with novices typically cover many things that the top would not need to explain to experienced players. (Similarly if it is the top that is a novice!) If We are going to try something new for Us as tops that is risky, We make sure the bottom knows it is a new experience for me. In fact, for any activity We are thinking of doing that is risky, We make sure the bottom understands whatever risks We believe are present, even if they are unlikely to happen. We do not consider consent to be given unless it is informed consent, and that means understanding that there are risks and what they are.   Questions about the person's other partners if they exist, and how those partners feel about the person playing with someone else. We usually talk with any primary partner or SO in advance of playing just to touch base---it's a standard top's courtesy, and a damn good idea, to boot.   Do either of the partners drink or do drugs? (Most players We know do not ever mix alcohol and play because it dulls the senses and slows reactions times; same for drugs) We personally will not play with anyone, top or bottom, who is under the influence of any substance at the time we are playing---We consider it too dangerous, not to mention not the point.   It is not a bad idea for a bottom to ask specifically about what the top typically offers in terms of aftercare and followup discussions, including time and energy commitments. As tops, We usually make Our potential time commitments known in advance; though also, We know that any time We play there is a risk that We could have to do more aftercare and followup than We anticipate. But there is a limit on the demands any individual partner can make on Us because We have prior commitments in my life, and I consider it important for that to be cleared up if there is any potential of expectations being out of synch.  Getting references is the norm!   This is one of the most astonishing surprises for those who have not previously encountered the Scene Community---it is not common in the vanilla world to go talk to a former lover of someone you want to makelove to, after all. But BDSM is not vanilla sex---it is physically and emotionally risky stuff, and the customs differ for good reasons.