BDSM Common Sense

What is BDSM D/s S&M all about?   First of all, what is BDSM itself? It is an overlapping abbreviation for Bondage and Discipline (B&D or BD), Dominance and Submission (D&S, D/s or DS), Sadism and Masochism (S&M, S/M or SM.)  Everything must have the consent of all people involved,and the activities safe. These principles are usually summarized as the requirement of "Safe, Sane and Consensual or short SSC". To discipline without consent is assault. To carry out a sexual act without consent is rape. The entire BDSM scene does not condone any act that does not have the explicit consent of the submissive partner or for that matter any of the participants, be they Dominant or submissive. If you are interested in any of the many areas of BDSM or Domination and Submission, we encourage you to carefully explore it in a safe, healthy, harm-free way. Never be forced into a BDSM 'scene' against your will. Criminal bondage and sadism are sometimes confused with the BDSM relationships which are true loving and caring relationships. In order to enjoy the possibilities that the world of BDSM offers, one must first discover respect and trust, both of oneself and of others. The development of trust and respect governs how far the Dominant and submissive can explore their levels.   For convenience, People who are "In Charge" or wielding the crop or whatever are referred to as "Tops", and the person on the other end is called a "bottom". Many people enjoy being both and are said to be "switches".   Furthermore, Tops in a DS context are called "Dom/mes" (short for "Dominants") and bottoms in DS are "subs". It's very important to remember that not all Tops are Doms, and not all bottoms are subs (ie not everyone into some parts of BDSM is into the DS part.) If you need to indicate gender, there are modified terms: Maledom, Femdom, Domme (which is a feminine form of gender neutral word Dom), malesub and femsub. Sadists are often people who put a lot of effort into giving masochists pleasure; masochists are not a group of twisted freaks who "enjoy" the "unenjoyable" - they are often people who enjoy their body's ability to produce natural opiates in the form of endorphins. (Incidentally, people who are not into BDSM are often called "vanillas" - after the most common flavor of ice cream. They can't really be called "straights" since there are lots of gay and lesbian vanillas.) Many meets, called munches, have sprung up out of all this on-line activity. They are usually in a pub or cafe on a weekday evening or weekend afternoon and provide an easy way to talk to other BDSM people, and are very welcoming for newcomers. The Basics At first - let's clear up a few misconceptions about both the practitioners and the practices of BDSM: BDSM is not just about getting someone into an inescapable situation and hurting them. People that practice BDSM are not rapists, psychos, or other nasty, monstrous types. BDSM is all about the fulfillment of deep and primal needs. It is an act of love, not violence or anger. There is just something wonderfully sexy about the idea of surrendering or being in control and enacting a fantasy that is "forbidden". For many is becomes a lifestyle which is practiced in daily living and not just in the bedroom, it goes far beyond just a sexual diversion for many practioners.   Choosing a partner   BDSM is not a solo practice. You need at least one other partner to safely satisfy that urge, whether you are dominant or submissive. Selecting the correct partner is crucial. Make sure that this person is someone you know well and that you trust implicitly. This person should be made well aware of your intentions and desires and should be 100% consenting. No if's and's or but's.  Communication Proper communication is an absolute must. It does not just start and end before the act. It is imperative that you and your partner(s) establish effective means of communication throughout all of it. Make sure that everyone involved is aware at all times of how you feel about what you are doing or having done to you. This is not necessarily going to kill spontaneity or ruin a 'scene' for anyone. Quite the contrary.  Before anything happens, be sure that you have a set of SAFE WORDS and/or signals ready. A safe word, is simply put, a word or signal that has a definite meaning to the person(s) that hear(s) it, usually when the submissive has been pushed beyond the limit of what s/he finds pleasurable or feels s/he is in danger and needs the dominant to stop or lighten up a bit. If you do not use safe words, you will find that BDSM is suddenly a very dangerous game.  Mutual Support BDSM is a highly emotional activity. It pushes both the dominant and submissive parties to their respective emotional and sometimes physical limits. There will be times that both sides need the support, approval and love of the other. Never ridicule your partner for not being capable of performing an act which is beyond their personal limits. Spend time after your session being affectionate and receptive. Likes and dislikes are very personal. Some of us just can't do some things. It's nothing to criticize. Move on to something you BOTH enjoy. Trust us, you'll come upon a situation you personally can't handle, and you'll be glad of having someone tell you that you aren't defective/wimpy/whatever. Establishing Limits Everyone has things they just do not enjoy. Make sure you establish a set of limits before you even think about embarking on a session. Be honest with yourself and your partner or the experience will not be all it could. If you dislike being struck a certain way or with certain objects, let your dominant know this. If you don't, you might regret it later. Discuss these things honestly and openly with your partner so that s/he knows what you do and do not want. If you or your partner cannot honestly set down your limits and respect them, then maybe BDSM isn't for you or them.  Safety REMEMBER: When you dominate somebody, you need to be INCREDIBLY AWARE of EVERYTHING that is happening in the scene. If you slack on this issue, you could end up seriously injuring your partner mentally or physically. Being a TOP does have it's rewards, but eternal vigilance is the price you pay for being in charge.  When securing your submissive, pay close attention to how tightly you tie them. Make sure that you do not cut off circulation or stretch muscles too much. Ignoring this can lead to embarrassing hospital trips, not to mention possible permanent damage to nerves. When using handcuffs, the standard handcuffs can sometimes cut the nerve of sensation from the wrist to the thumb. Also, handcuffs that do not have a small chain between them (these are usually attached to each other by a hinge that can fold the cuffs together) can be dangerous. If somebody falls while wearing them, they can break a wrist. If using hoods or gags, be very sure that the person who wears these objects can breathe freely. Always use a safe word or signal to halt play in bad situations (If your partner is gagged a little bell in his/her hand can be very helpful). It can save your relationship or even save your life. Never leave a bound submissive alone in a room. Not only is this emotionally dangerous, but physically as well. If your BDSM play includes sex, always make sure you practice safety measures like condoms, etc. Especially when with different partners, make sure you are tested regularly for STDs like herpes or AIDS and that your partner does likewise. When using toys like vibrators or anything that has the possibility of getting bodily fluids on it, make sure you WASH IT after EVERY use. Whether or not you continue to use it on the same partner, you still need to make sure everything is clean. Infection in those "oh-so-tender" areas can be at least annoying, and at most debilitating until they go away.  If you do have multiple partners, it's a good idea to use completely different implements on them. Meeting People Its not always easy to meet people who share the same interests. Chats on the Internet are a good place to get to know others with same or similar interests.  Maybe you already thought about meeting someone. Due to the limited forms of the chat communication you hardly get a good impression how this person really is, so a meeting can be a pretty surprising adventure.  A few safety concerns should help you to make it at least a safe meeting for the involved parties. If you have any concerns regarding the other person, don't let yourself be pushed into a meeting that you don't want. The first meeting should be in a public place, cafe or restaurant for example - never in the person's house or apartment. This gives you the chance to have a cup of coffee with the other person, talk a bit and if you see this person is nothing for you to back up politely. Make sure a friend or someone you trust knows where you are and if possible leave a phone number or address.  If you agree with this person to involve into a sexual relationship or a BDSM act, make sure you both tell each other what you expect. Agree with the person that you can make a safe call to a friend after the act at a specific time. Discuss an "alert statement" with your friend - like "I am fine", so your friend knows when something is wrong and can take appropriate steps.   Again, no if's or but's - its your health and life. Trust is a wonderful thing, but caution can be lifesaving. A last word: If you have found a person you think s/he is the right one and you trust this person - enjoy and value this wonderful gift, it is hard to find. Alcohol and drugs do NOT belong into a BDSM scene - NEVER scene with a person under the influence of drugs or alcohol - neither the sub nor the Top have a clear judgement and/or control over the situation - physically, mentally or emotionally.